HIPSTER HEDGEFUND

Tipped by one of our insiders.  Yeah we know ALL the pages down there.

So it looks like these pirates guys with the oil company headquarters in international waters, their pirate cohorts friends with the Hong Kong satellite office, their friends’ EVEN MORE PIRATES friends with the Iranian office, but NOT those friends’ friends ‘temporarily successful pirates friends with that Dutch office (failed startup probably bad VCs involved), have some decent assets they could really exploit.  Oil, traded goods, seems fairly diverse.  I wonder who handles their portfolio?  We’re looking to expand abroad and I think with our careful know how and their brilliant mergers and acquisitions experience.  We could take on Berkshire.  Are their commuter flights from LaGuardia to Mogadishu?  Let me hit up Orbitz.

FUCK!!!!!!

Does anyone have this guy’s cell?  I want to see if he can do Sushi at Nobu.  He’ll love the Bigeye Tekka Donburi.

Yeah so we thought we’d be good with buying an SKF at $165 oh I dunno… two days before the market rallied for like 2 weeks - sending that shit down to like 104 or something.  God that was stupid.  Luckily it was up enough today where we could sell and make a few bucks.  Literally a few bucks… like six of ‘em.  

BUT WE KILLED IT WITH SCC!

Boy we called that.  But why you may ask did we sell today?  TO BE PATRIOTIC.  Shorting apparently is the new terrorism.  So even though it would be cool to get rich, we don’t want to live in a cave and wear bath sheets.  Also, I’m not into stonings… well at least the kind that use real rocks.  So this sell-off leaves us with Gasco, the forgotten step-child in all of this.  Maybe if he focused and performed better, we’d pay more attention, but for now he’s an embarassment.  I just gave a security a gender.  

Patriotically yours…

fucking crazy japanese kamikaze hornets.  I bet they all drive Scions.

I’ve always found Kanye West derranged.  From the start of his career where he was proud of rapping at me through his wired jaw, to his ridiculous award show antics.  Today I officially declare, that Kanye west is a deplorable human - incapable of shutting his mouth and acting like a grown spoiled member of Kris Kross.  In the past two days alone he has declared himself the voice of my generation and golden showered the backstage of the UK MTV Awards.  Hubris is an understatement.  Remember when hip hop was about killing people?  God that was awesome.  Not like this rhyming teddy bear that every white college kid loves.  And now… BONE THUGZ N HARMONY

We’re above 500.  Holy fuck… profit.  Time to celebrate.  Recent video favorite: Cool Kids - “The Delivery Man.”  MP3 available for free at Mountain Dew’s new label, Green Label Sound (weird I know).  I’ve been jamming this for weeks and weeks.  Video rules too.  If you like T-Pain and Akon, this shit is too real for you.  Sam is going to go off on me for dissing T-Pain.

This is absurd.  We started with 500 bucks and then after eating like 72 bucks in commissions alone, we’re already back to where we started.

$497!  Haha you have to be kidding me.  SKF is nearly back to where we bought it and BOY HOWDY are we glad we peaced out of Goldman.  What’s it at?  Like $68?  Thank god.

UPDATE: We’re well aware that Gasco blows.

This is like having YouTube blocked at the trading desk… but still being able to go to xtube.com.  You corporate fucks are so bad with technology.  I don’t get it…  Merril, Morgan, Goldman, you dudes invest BILLIONS in I.T. yet you still fucking suck at doing anything interesting or worthwhile online.  

Case in point…  the most retarded use for Second Life.  Wait were there ever any good uses for Second Life besides watching a giant avatar with a huge c0ck chase anime inspired blue tinted chicks with wings?  Stop kidding yourself, we all know you’re fat lady… stop trying to hide behind Nishiko the angel schoolgirl that ran away from her whackass gameshow loving parents.  JESUS.  Go play a crane game.

Ok so you post 24.5 Billion in losses and get more money from the government?  How does this work?  Can I get in on this?  Fuck it, I’ll blow out my savings account and then some.  Here’s a thought… if you overdraw your bank account, but never deposit money again, did you just profit?  I think I’m onto something here…  

Happy Obama day.  My kidney hurts.  But hey!  Looks like our prediction of the market sliding with an Obama win was spot on.  Up 12% today.  WAHOO.  Even fucking Gasco went up.  This will probably all get erased tomorrow but let me feel good while I can.

Ok who made this rule that says you can only get your money from selling an equity three days later? That is so fucked for investors with a small amount of money. Whatever. We took our tiny profit and bought two shares of SCC. What is SCC? Take it away Google finance

The investment seeks daily investment results, before fees and expenses, which correspond to twice the inverse of the daily performance of the Dow Jones U.S. Consumer Services index. The fund normally invests 80% of assets in financial instruments with economic characteristics that should be inverse to those of the index. It may employ leveraged investment techniques in seeking its investment objective. The fund is non-diversified.

So what does this mean? People don’t buy stuff at big retailers = this shit soars. We’re thinking that this Christmas is going to be the worst for kids since 1929 and with this ETF having everything from Wal-Mart to Walgreens. We might be able to kill it in January when those final Q4 numbers come in WAY under what they’re supposed to.